WALKING OUT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM, Engr Batholomew

WALKING OUT OF LOW SELF ESTEEM: MY JOURNEY TO SANITY*

While growing up, I had very low self esteem and a very poor sense of self worth (they kinda mean the same thing, but I’m using both of them for emphasis). I didn’t think myself handsome or intelligent enough, I always felt the next person was better and I did everything to be on their good side. I needed people’s validation so badly that I could do anything to get it. I thought everyone else, but myself knew what was good for me and I always let them decide for me. I begged people to be friends with me, I wrote letters (nothing romantic though) to some of my schoolmates asking them to be friends with me. The girls I crushed on were not exactly the type I’d have loved to be with, but I always felt that the rest were above my league, so I had to settle. Most of the girls never knew sha. Sometimes, I think about my life then and cringe.

I think my low self esteem came largely from my coming from a poor home. How do you expect me to have any self esteem when I got sent home every time students were sent home for owing school fees? When I could barely afford enough lunch while my mates had more than enough? When I had to borrow most of the textbooks? When I barely had enough clothes like the other boys did? There were so many reasons to make me feel less than the rest of the other kids. I was contented with everything that my parents squeezed out to support me. I never really felt like they weren’t doing enough, I understood that things weren’t rosy, but it still messed with my psych.

I can’t seem to figure out when things changed for me, when I got this healthy dose of self esteem, rich sense of self worth and confidence. I don’t know how it happened, but it feels really good. I won’t have it any other way. Perhaps, it was debating and winning several competitions in Schools and *Block Rosary Crusade* that helped reinforce the fact that I’m smart. Maybe, it’s the self discovery path that I’ve been on for a couple of years now. It could be because I’ve learnt to have beautiful and difficult conversations with myself. It could also be the level of exposure that I’ve gotten, the tables that I’ve sat on and the people that I’ve dined with, not because of my six packs nor riches, because of my brains.

I now have many Catholic Priests as my Friends, In 2018 I had a privilege of having a chat with *Cardinal Anthony Okojie* in his Office, In 2017 I also had the privilege of having a brief chat with *His Garce Archbishop Adewale Martins* at Orlu during the burial of late Rev Fr Celestine, In 2019, I also had the privilege to drive His Grace Archbishop Adewale Martins during his visit to Festac Deanery.

Every Evening, my apartment is filled with handsome guys/ladies playing all kinds of game and sharing their experience about life, I now have 155 online girlfriend though still single, I now have more friends than I can handle. I add tax to my worth. I recognise that I’m handsome, brilliant and kind with a good sense of humour (that is mostly dark). I don’t hesitate to remove myself from any relationship or situation that does not sit well with me no matter who or what is involved. Even though I’m working hard and smart towards it; I’m not rich yet, but I’m happy and that’s all that matters now.

I see that a lot of guys can relate to this and I have to add that it doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t work like magic, from my experience. You have to put in work. The way you don’t pass exams without reading, that’s the way this works. You have to constantly reinforce your belief in yourself. You have to realise that you’re handsome, intelligent and amazing before anyone else tells you that. Let their telling you be a reminder, let it be a statement of fact. Care little about what people will say, because they will always have something to say. Believe yourself.